The Second Year Experience.

I've been in school for three months.
I'm still..... figuring out what 'living in faith' looks and feels like.
The kind of faith that says and knows, with every fiber of your being, that God will provide. Sometimes I have it... most the time I don't.
This year, I don't have a steady job.
The bills are still there. I have 1700 left of tuition and my upcoming Mission Trip to pay for.
It's becoming exhausting and exhilarating.
but, somehow.. I've made it this far.

I'm, in huge transition right now. I'm experiencing a move of God like I've never encountered before. In my personal times of prayer and intercession and in corporate times of worship. I've stepped into the beginnings of one of my biggest dreams coming true.

Starting this second year of school has been one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. It's a daily decision to not just stand.. but to move forward and keep taking ground. I get to do what I love and be who I am and find out what that looks like. More than that, I'm standing, fighting and running on behalf of my family and the people I have yet to meet, the people who need me to tell my story of redemption and strength to encourage them to pursue actually knowing a God who IS love in the purest and fullest sense of the word. To know worth.

Even now I could burst with happiness about how amazing I've found God to be in just these three months. There have been days where I've just cried in gratitude, days where I've laughed and couldn't stop smiling in thankfulness... what the heck have I become?

Every morning I take a deep breath.
Not one day is the same.
I love the unexplainable wonders of God.
I love the signs that point to His true nature.
I love the way He flows through me and I can feel Him moving.
What. A. Gift.

I've been given a chance to see with new eyes.
and tomorrow I'll be given a new chance to refresh my goggles.

I guess this is what second year has been so far.
Learning.


I'm in the school of the Holy Spirit.
I've set course for a cliff... and I'm sprinting faster than my own feet can carry me.
I don't know what's gonna happen when I jump... but, I've jumped before.

Somehow... I've made it this far.

I always seem to have the most inspiration when I'm driving.
I get these awesome one-liners, great ideas for topics to write on and I'm oh, so articulate... when I realize it...I completely forget the thought. Such is life..?

I began this new journey in August of 2010.
All I knew was that;
I had $150 in my pocket,
I had a dream,
a vision for my life,
a promise that came with a call,
an acceptance letter to Deeper (the school I've been attending since Sept2010),
and that I was driving to Vacaville, ca September 5. A city I've never been.. without a place to live, the cost of tuition or knowledge of how I would acquire either.

This past year wasn't much different. I never really knew where groceries, gas, tuition payments were coming from.
But, I was totally taken care of.
completely.
It was scary.
It was freeing.

I learned a level of trust I never knew I could experience.
I gained a new level of confidence.

I'm quickly approaching the start of second year.
this time with a place to live.
I've got about $2 to my name.
A quarter tank of gas and no idea how I'm going to pay tuition this next year.
Or for anything really.

Even after all the breakthrough I've experienced this year in trust in the Lord's willingness to provide for me. I still had to fight to hold the ground I've taken in the midst of what seems like a silly move.
I know there's a promise.
I know I walk in tremendous favor.
More importantly, I know Jehovah Jireh - God our Provider.

I have really big plans.
Even bigger dreams.
and LOTS of hope.

needless to say.. I'm excited for "the midnight hour"
there's no way I've fought this long and this hard to give up now.
I'm no where near done with this wildly fantastic adventure.

Life is to be lived.

I'm living mine the way I like.

prayer support is always incredibly appreciated.


thanks.

Single Hispanic Female Seeking... Inspiration...?

I find myself tonight digging through a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Freeze...
Thoughts just kind of spinning off on their own.
I just let them go...for now.
It's been a strange day.

I slept way too much, feeling a little uninspired. I have so many ideas that I have a hard time narrowing them down. So, I've decided I need a creative mentor..or friend.. or something. Someone to bounce ideas off of. Fashion, dance, photography, film, design, music, painting, drawing, all that fun stuff I do. The problem is with finding that someone. Please, don't let my creative title fool you... this blog isn't about my romantic relationships.. rather it's about my lack of creative friendships.

typically musicians stick to musicians, designers with designers, bloggers sit around reading what other bloggers have to say (thanks), and so on...
but what happens to those of us who like it all?!
I mean really... I think I'm just gonna start throwing brainstorming parties.
bring a big white board some easels, buttons, cameras, fabric, and spray paint.. we'll just see who shows up and see what happens.

I guess I'm looking for a friend that is creative enough to keep up with my thoughts and spur me on... and someone I can help with project ideas and stuff like that too.
is there anywhere I can post an ad like that?
oh yeah, must have a heart for bringing arts back to the church.

maybe I'll find that when/if I get to attend BSSC Bethel School of Supernatural Creativity. it's just a week long. but it should be exciting, fun, and just what I need.

I have a passion for the arts.
I have a desire to do more than what I'm doing now.
I have a fire that's waiting for ignition.
I'm on a quest for new ideas
I have a hope that it's just around the corner and I don't have to wait much longer.

I know I have it in me.
It's more than just a feeling.

My possibilities are endless.

who's in?!

He's awakening the hope in me?

forgotten.

It's been a tiny little sting, for a while now..
right now..let's just be honest. I'm in a wind tunnel of feeling: rejected, devalued, discounted and forgotten.
(I understand my last post was on picking up feelings that aren't mine. Rest assured friends this is something I've had the fine pleasure of keeping stuffed in the "back closet" of my heart)
I'm getting tired of thinking "Nope! I will NOT agree with a lie!" when it's a valid feeling that just hasn't been really carefully dealt with. A feeling that was been compressed over and over again by 'small' 'insignificant' stuff.. just shoved and shoved away. Cause you know what? Sarah is happy and she's always so put together and is really confident in who she is...right?
now there's a place of entrapment. When can a girl feel comfortable enough to say "hey I'm not feelin it today." Heaven forbid she walk in the room with anything but a ridiculous grin on her face.
I mean really, sometimes I'm just tired, or thinking, or something... Truth is I am a generally happy person. I find, with great ease, the good in most situations.
But I've been trapped there..

I'd reached a place where strength meant you don't cry..(at least in front of people) it meant...you're always pretty and put together and happy (not that always being happy is a bad thing, just..a little unrealistic)

SO that became my identity.
now it's being challenged by what I really am.
I'm a person.
I don't always have my hair done or smell like a field of flowers.
I don't always feel like the whole world is amazing and perfect.

I'm aware.
I'm just ready to feel something other than happily repressed.

I'd rather not perform.

Can I just be me?

and not care if I'm forgotten or lost in a crowd.

Cause when I'm not noticed for how "amazing" I am (to people) I don't feel valuable.(right now)

can I just let myself be validated by saying.. hey I don't feel good right now... But later, I should be okay.

After a tearful 2 hour drive. I discovered myself. I do feel, I'm a mess...
I found my way to freedom.

currently I really can't see the "light at the end of the tunnel" but that's just cause it's a lonnnnnnng tunnel and I just set out on my journey to find my way to the end. I can't wait 'til I take that first breath of new air.


This is me. being. real.

This Isn't Mine...

hmm..
it's rough you know.
learning.
being in "training mode"
I find myself having to shake off junk that's not even mine. Which frankly, can get a little frustrating. Especially when it's unexpected, and worse! when I don't actually have an assignment other than to just recognize it.

ready for the list?

here it comes..

right now..I may just be tired but it's been commonplace for my mind to run if I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Running, trying, failing? proceeding, caring, hoping, loving...

today?
has been really sweet.. again.
just so filling.


I've gotta start building more relationships! I so enjoy the process of learning the language of a dear friends heart.

So, we took a drive.

This one is about relationship.
mostly things I've challenged myself with thinking through.
life, circumstances, people, places...all of these things change, in my experience, quite frequently.

I think if you want to know how to really love someone... care enough to listen.

Since this past Sunday evening after a very detailed and open conversation with a new friend of mine. I started thinking back to all of my relationships as they were. Where have I set my boundaries just right, not far enough, too far and worse where were there none when there should have been some?

I figured out I enjoy one on one conversation much more than a group setting. In a group any bigger than 5 people I feel overwhelmed and confused and my mouth starts trying to compensate while my poor brain tries to keep up by changing the subject or turning what my mouth messed up into a joke (not all attempts successful).
It's a mess, a fun one but a mess nonetheless.

In a one on one scenario the pressure to perform is off, boundaries can be clearly drawn and trust can be established (for me). That's when I shine! I met a friend, over Thanksgiving break, He's probably one of the most incredible men I know. He's an artist, a musician and carries the weight of a man who knows what honor is. I don't think I'd have near the love and appreciation I have for him had we not spent that one on one time together the first weekend we met. Since I've known him we've developed a great friendship and a high regard for each other and a willingness to be open and share what's on our hearts. I LOVE it!

Now, Sunday evening is really what got this thought stirring. That day had been a real sweet day. The presence of the Lord was thick and just all over me! So, after church I decided to come home get into my house clothes and just soak in it. Not a half hour into it I heard a familiar voice. I crept out of my dark room and noticed our friend was visiting. I decided to join the conversation for just a bit. That turned into a drive. The two of us drove up into the hills of Vacaville just talking and listening. We returned to my apartment a continued for about an hour or so. I got to know who he was in his heart, where he came from and what life is and was like for him.

I've been in similar situations and I always leave with a deep and new love and appreciation for my friend.

which leads me to the question. is it vulnerability that draws us closer and sustains us?

I, for one, think it is. We by no means should be completely open up and be vulnerable to everyone we meet. But, if you are looking to build a relationship then real trust and an awareness of who the other really is should be established.

I think love is sharing, listening and caring enough to hold that information like it's a treasure not to be used to damage the other, but to be used to see them for how victorious and amazing they actually are.

I have resolved to love with a deeper understanding of who I am loving.

It's been too long...

So, last time we met I was living in November of 2010.
yikes.

Let's play catch up. . .

Since November I've been caught up in a whirlwind of activity, Really.
From driving the coast of California, meeting new people, developing relationships, learning who I am/what I carry, trusting, worrying, living, breathing, crying, laughing, being...

Let's hit the road. . .
Thanksgiving break (I'm doing this in like a one word listy type of style..to move it right along...) Driving, reunions, love, catching up, praying, crying, laughing, dancing, meeting, sharing/preaching, hoping, trusting... I liked November it ended happy and I enjoyed it.

December
My life has been consumed by the Word of the Lord. I'm learning how to 'step in' to what the Lord has promised. I spent December giddy, joyful and hopeful.

Hello, 2011.

The rubber has met the road. I made it back to Vacaville after my Christmas break, and as you may have read earlier I really enjoyed that part. Back just in time to meet the next fight. So, back to school I had a really rough time. I was struggling with things I don't 'typically' struggle with feeling like I was a failure and things of that nature placing a lot of pressure on myself and to be honest even up until 2 weeks ago questioning the validity of God, really. Wondering if I really actually could hear from the Lord. Did I make the right decision coming to school? Things don't seem to be working out the way they were supposed to. I still owe tuition, I won't be able to attend a mission trip... I've become a burden to my family who has generously taken on my car payment and helps me financially whenever possible. How is that a testament to the goodness of God to my family? ...Also, finding out that one of the people I've held most dear these past 2 years has been saying not so flattering things about me to people I hadn't even met and saying different things to me personally. You know I was just thinking through all that fun stuff

and now..

I took a step back and turned my heart towards the Lord. I reminded myself that I am seated at the right hand of the Lord in Heaven. I'm not only loved but I'm adored, favored and upheld by the very Word of my God.

I entered into the rest that is mine. I picked up the brush.
since my returned I've been commissioned to do 2 pieces and and picking up 2 more commission works. I am doing the very thing that makes my heart jump for joy, I get to impart the prophetic arts to my fellow students and be a direct part of that training process here at Deeper. I'm falling more and more in Love with the Lord and with the plans He has for me. I'm truly blessed to be here despite the circumstances that be. I know better. so... Rent you're paid. Tuition you're paid. phone bill you're paid...and all the other stuff...Meet Jesus...He's got your check just tell Him the amount.


I'm thankful for this school the staff and for what they do to pour into us.
I'm thankful that I have Jessica and Allayna and that I can go spend time with them and just know them
I'm thankful for my family and for all the strategic relationships the Lord has given me.
Mostly thankful for and unfailing, unchanging, steadfast love.

thanks for reading

contact me here or at sarah.camez@gmail.com or on my facebook page for prayer requests or any questions regarding what's going on at school or in my personal life.