He's awakening the hope in me?

forgotten.

It's been a tiny little sting, for a while now..
right now..let's just be honest. I'm in a wind tunnel of feeling: rejected, devalued, discounted and forgotten.
(I understand my last post was on picking up feelings that aren't mine. Rest assured friends this is something I've had the fine pleasure of keeping stuffed in the "back closet" of my heart)
I'm getting tired of thinking "Nope! I will NOT agree with a lie!" when it's a valid feeling that just hasn't been really carefully dealt with. A feeling that was been compressed over and over again by 'small' 'insignificant' stuff.. just shoved and shoved away. Cause you know what? Sarah is happy and she's always so put together and is really confident in who she is...right?
now there's a place of entrapment. When can a girl feel comfortable enough to say "hey I'm not feelin it today." Heaven forbid she walk in the room with anything but a ridiculous grin on her face.
I mean really, sometimes I'm just tired, or thinking, or something... Truth is I am a generally happy person. I find, with great ease, the good in most situations.
But I've been trapped there..

I'd reached a place where strength meant you don't cry..(at least in front of people) it meant...you're always pretty and put together and happy (not that always being happy is a bad thing, just..a little unrealistic)

SO that became my identity.
now it's being challenged by what I really am.
I'm a person.
I don't always have my hair done or smell like a field of flowers.
I don't always feel like the whole world is amazing and perfect.

I'm aware.
I'm just ready to feel something other than happily repressed.

I'd rather not perform.

Can I just be me?

and not care if I'm forgotten or lost in a crowd.

Cause when I'm not noticed for how "amazing" I am (to people) I don't feel valuable.(right now)

can I just let myself be validated by saying.. hey I don't feel good right now... But later, I should be okay.

After a tearful 2 hour drive. I discovered myself. I do feel, I'm a mess...
I found my way to freedom.

currently I really can't see the "light at the end of the tunnel" but that's just cause it's a lonnnnnnng tunnel and I just set out on my journey to find my way to the end. I can't wait 'til I take that first breath of new air.


This is me. being. real.

This Isn't Mine...

hmm..
it's rough you know.
learning.
being in "training mode"
I find myself having to shake off junk that's not even mine. Which frankly, can get a little frustrating. Especially when it's unexpected, and worse! when I don't actually have an assignment other than to just recognize it.

ready for the list?

here it comes..

right now..I may just be tired but it's been commonplace for my mind to run if I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Running, trying, failing? proceeding, caring, hoping, loving...

today?
has been really sweet.. again.
just so filling.


I've gotta start building more relationships! I so enjoy the process of learning the language of a dear friends heart.

So, we took a drive.

This one is about relationship.
mostly things I've challenged myself with thinking through.
life, circumstances, people, places...all of these things change, in my experience, quite frequently.

I think if you want to know how to really love someone... care enough to listen.

Since this past Sunday evening after a very detailed and open conversation with a new friend of mine. I started thinking back to all of my relationships as they were. Where have I set my boundaries just right, not far enough, too far and worse where were there none when there should have been some?

I figured out I enjoy one on one conversation much more than a group setting. In a group any bigger than 5 people I feel overwhelmed and confused and my mouth starts trying to compensate while my poor brain tries to keep up by changing the subject or turning what my mouth messed up into a joke (not all attempts successful).
It's a mess, a fun one but a mess nonetheless.

In a one on one scenario the pressure to perform is off, boundaries can be clearly drawn and trust can be established (for me). That's when I shine! I met a friend, over Thanksgiving break, He's probably one of the most incredible men I know. He's an artist, a musician and carries the weight of a man who knows what honor is. I don't think I'd have near the love and appreciation I have for him had we not spent that one on one time together the first weekend we met. Since I've known him we've developed a great friendship and a high regard for each other and a willingness to be open and share what's on our hearts. I LOVE it!

Now, Sunday evening is really what got this thought stirring. That day had been a real sweet day. The presence of the Lord was thick and just all over me! So, after church I decided to come home get into my house clothes and just soak in it. Not a half hour into it I heard a familiar voice. I crept out of my dark room and noticed our friend was visiting. I decided to join the conversation for just a bit. That turned into a drive. The two of us drove up into the hills of Vacaville just talking and listening. We returned to my apartment a continued for about an hour or so. I got to know who he was in his heart, where he came from and what life is and was like for him.

I've been in similar situations and I always leave with a deep and new love and appreciation for my friend.

which leads me to the question. is it vulnerability that draws us closer and sustains us?

I, for one, think it is. We by no means should be completely open up and be vulnerable to everyone we meet. But, if you are looking to build a relationship then real trust and an awareness of who the other really is should be established.

I think love is sharing, listening and caring enough to hold that information like it's a treasure not to be used to damage the other, but to be used to see them for how victorious and amazing they actually are.

I have resolved to love with a deeper understanding of who I am loving.