forgotten.
It's been a tiny little sting, for a while now..
right now..let's just be honest. I'm in a wind tunnel of feeling: rejected, devalued, discounted and forgotten.
(I understand my last post was on picking up feelings that aren't mine. Rest assured friends this is something I've had the fine pleasure of keeping stuffed in the "back closet" of my heart)
I'm getting tired of thinking "Nope! I will NOT agree with a lie!" when it's a valid feeling that just hasn't been really carefully dealt with. A feeling that was been compressed over and over again by 'small' 'insignificant' stuff.. just shoved and shoved away. Cause you know what? Sarah is happy and she's always so put together and is really confident in who she is...right?
now there's a place of entrapment. When can a girl feel comfortable enough to say "hey I'm not feelin it today." Heaven forbid she walk in the room with anything but a ridiculous grin on her face.
I mean really, sometimes I'm just tired, or thinking, or something... Truth is I am a generally happy person. I find, with great ease, the good in most situations.
But I've been trapped there..
I'd reached a place where strength meant you don't cry..(at least in front of people) it meant...you're always pretty and put together and happy (not that always being happy is a bad thing, just..a little unrealistic)
SO that became my identity.
now it's being challenged by what I really am.
I'm a person.
I don't always have my hair done or smell like a field of flowers.
I don't always feel like the whole world is amazing and perfect.
I'm aware.
I'm just ready to feel something other than happily repressed.
I'd rather not perform.
Can I just be me?
and not care if I'm forgotten or lost in a crowd.
Cause when I'm not noticed for how "amazing" I am (to people) I don't feel valuable.(right now)
can I just let myself be validated by saying.. hey I don't feel good right now... But later, I should be okay.
After a tearful 2 hour drive. I discovered myself. I do feel, I'm a mess...
I found my way to freedom.
currently I really can't see the "light at the end of the tunnel" but that's just cause it's a lonnnnnnng tunnel and I just set out on my journey to find my way to the end. I can't wait 'til I take that first breath of new air.
This is me. being. real.
Sarah, I love that you are willing to expose your heart like this. You are an incredible woman.
ReplyDeleteI used to think that because I cry (often... a lot) that it made me weak but that isn't true. It is just a characteristic of God's that He wanted people to see... through me. It is okay to be vulnerable.
And I know that sometimes it is hard to believe but you are who God created you to be. His Word says that He is TRUTH meaning lies cannot leave His lips. And do you know what He says about YOU? You are set apart (Jer. 1:5), you have authority (Titus 2:15, John 14:12-14), you are pure (Isaiah 1:18, 43:25-26, 44:22, 1st Corinthians 6:11), you are beautiful (Psalm 139:14, 45:11, Isaiah 61:3, 60:5, 1st Peter 3:4), you are strong (2nd Corinthians 1:3-4, Psalm 27:1&3, 2nd Corinthians 12:9-10).
You are worthy, beautiful and enough.
You are a woman of noble character. You are a woman with a quiet and gentle spirit.
I'm praying for you!
Beautiful
ReplyDeleteLove.
ReplyDeleteYou don't always smell like a field of flowers? I am so disillusioned!
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty Sarah, you've always had it even though you may feel you were projecting a "happy all the time" thing. I have found you very refreshing and inspiring because I could see that you are real.